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When someone is going through a crisis or an illness, it’s often difficult to know what to say. A family in the NICU is no exception. What do you say to someone whose baby was born early, with complications, or in an unexpected or difficult way? Well, we’ll get to that in a minute. First, I want to share some examples of what NOT to say. (And if you’re a NICU parent, I’m sure you’ve heard your share of these!)
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
- “Just think positively!”
- “At least you have other healthy kids.”
- “You could still have another baby.”
- “This too shall pass.”
- “She wouldn’t want you to cry.”
- “I’m so sorry.” (** See caveat below)
- “Well, my friend/cousin/sister-in-law/neighbor’s dentist’s uncle’s hairstylist’s mail carrier had the same thing.”
- “You’re so strong; I could never do this.”
- “What can I do to help?” (*** See caveat below)
Instead, here are some alternative ways you can show your support in a more compassionate way.
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“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to support you.”
To me, someone acknowledging that they just didn’t know the right words for the situation was much better than a platitude.
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“Congratulations!”
Someone just had a baby! Wow! That’s awesome. Congratulations. That was one thing we didn’t hear often enough when our little guy was born.
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Just BE with them.
You don’t even have to talk. Sometimes your presence is enough. A hand on a shoulder or a hug can make someone’s day.
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Let them talk.
This builds on just sitting with a NICU parent. They have a lot on their minds and plates, and sometimes they just need to talk things through. It doesn’t require a lot of feedback on your part, just a good listening ear.
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“How are you doing?”
With a baby in intensive care, it’s easy for parents to devote all their time and energy thinking about and caring for their baby. Doing a check-in to see how mom and dad are doing can be a good reminder for them to do even basic things like eating, drinking enough water, or sleeping.
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“I’ve been thinking about you.”
This one, to me, is especially important the longer the NICU stay. Once the “novelty” of a premature infant fades a bit, NICU families don’t want to be forgotten. If they are still on your mind, check in with them and let them know!
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** “I’m sorry you’re going through this; I know it’s not what you expected.”
Instead of saying you’re so sorry their baby was born prematurely or with medical complications, tell them congratulations and then that you’re sorry they’re going through this. You shouldn’t be sorry that they had their baby!
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*** “Can I bring you a meal? What kind of coffee do you like? What time can I pick your kids up from practice? Can I pick up your mail and bring it to you when I visit?”
When asked an open-ended, “What can I do to help,” NICU parents may not have the mental energy or be thinking clearly enough to answer the question or even know what would be helpful. It’s easier for them to think about a specific offer and be able to say, “Yes, that would be great!”
Be a “Do” Rather Than a “Don’t”
If you have a friend or family member experiencing life in the NICU, hopefully these examples will help you be the best support system you can be. While you probably still won’t have the “right” thing to say in every circumstance, being more mindful of some of the pitfalls may help you steer clear of the “don’ts.”
And what if you are a NICU parent? Well, try to give people a little grace. It is unlikely people would say things from the “what not to say” list intentionally to hurt you; they just don’t know what to say. It’s human nature to want to fill the space and silence with talking, and often people don’t know the “right” thing to say, so they just say something. What matters is that there are people there to support you!